Excuses are not reasons....

I am busy
I like being busy
A friend once observed - 'you need to be needed'
I am not good at letting go, slowing down, taking time out
and I am terrible at just stopping...

There!
Confession- is good for the soul
now.... a few years ago I let the busyness and the need for control- and the desire to be needed and loved and wanted - I let all of these take over.
I was unable to stop
I was unable to let go

Those were dark days
but light came... slowly, gradually
Light
the absence of dark; the lifting of weight;
Light came
and it came from within
I discovered that actually I can stop- and the world will keep going
I can not do something - put it off - delay it - let someone else do it - and actually things do not fall apart

I discovered, that a long lie with a girly novel; and fresh coffee, and eggs for breakfast, taste so much better, when you sit and take time and relish the day

Today, is one of those days
Lay in bed and read my book
put coffee on to brew whilst doing my ablutions - the smell of the beans drifting up the stairs was exceedingly tantalising!
sipped at said coffee whilst cooking beautiful big egg with rich golden yolk....
opened the garden door - took in the spring sunshine

and now- I write for a little while, before going in search of almonds and lemons to make cake!!

If the sun continues to shine - then some time in my garden later- after taking a leisurely lunch with a good friend

no excuses for work today - excuses to go back to the office are not reasons to avoid a day off!

I am a work-aholic I confess!! But today- I will enjoy the sun, smell the coffee, and give thanks to the God who blesses my life!!

Dust to dust....

Ash Wednesday
As a girl and indeed as a young woman Ash Wednesday was a day of denial
In the Catholic tradition it's a day of fasting and abstinence - meaning that you eat less, and you abstain from eating meat.
In my home as I grew up this meant that we had the egg without the bacon for breakfast; and we had fish for dinner and no pudding. We would also all go as a family to church, to receive the ashes and hear the words intoned by the priest:

Remember man that thou art dust and unto dust thou shalt return; repent and believe the gospel

As I reached my teens and entered the 'rebellious' teenager stage I decided my mother knew nothing (!) and that I should really fast, so on Ash Wednesday I'd refuse to eat at all until tea time.... that didn't last terribly long, but later in my young adult years I began reflecting on the what, how and especially the why of self denial.
Lent is a preiod of 40 days; and of course many who look at the span of days from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday will soon work out that it adds up to 46 days -
as a reward for your good adherence through the week you are allowed a little relaxation on each Sunday - which should never be treated as a fast day - because Sunday is the day we remember the resurrection. Denial is inappropriate when we remember something so truly wonderous and celebratory!

So this year I, and it seems a few of my friends and peers in Facebook world are giving up wine.
I do not know yet if this is going to be hard or very hard; I do enjoy wine, and I do drink it often. I must remember giving wine up, but substituting a G&T or a glass of beer instead is not denial!

For me taking time, when I really feel that a glass of wine is required, to reflect and to consider what it is that Lent is preparing me for.
It is a season of preparation; a journey from the wandering teaching and communicating season to the culmination:
Jesus set his heart and his feet on the road to Jerusalem.
To his final mission
To the finale
To his earthly destiny
Lent is not meant to be easy
it is meant to be a testing time
Lent is not for the faint hearted
It is for us to discover just how strong our hearts really are
Lent is not just about denial
it is about acceptance as well
in Lent I'll give up wine and I'll miss it
but in that missing I'll take up another - to open up my mind to new things and accept this short time of denial and I'll raise my empty glass to those who join me
we do it
In His Love
when we are tempted remember:
"Scripture says, 'humanity cannot live on bread alone, but need every word that God speaks'" (Matt 4:4)

The View From Here

This is my new church; of course it isn't really new... and it isn't really mine! It is just new to me and I have care of it for a time.
I walked along to it from my new home this morning.
I took photographs as I approached and then I went in, and wandered around. Not the first time I have been there of course, but this was a bit special - today for the first time I was there as the minister of that church, minister in this village - Earlston.
I wandered around the building, up the stairs, in and out of the cupboards, looking, reflecting on yesterday - my first Sunday, and praying for the people I have seen, and the people I have yet to meet.
There is something very special about being alone in a church; the stillness, the quiet, being part of a place that goes back over generations... generations of the faithful who have served the community and called that place home; the sense of timelessness, of being 'out of time' and yet paradoxically being planted very firmly in the present, in the here and now.
There is history in this place, some of the memorials I looked at in the graveyard go back to the 17th century, each telling a story of thier own yet to be discovered by me.
Looking across the valley from the front door I see the High School - it is a big, new building state-of-the-art, full of young people whose lives are being moulded... from my ancient building to that modern building, each focal points for the village, each making a contribution to the community
So much potential!
So much to do!
So many new opportunities beckon...

"I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in" (Rev 3:20)

time

Today is Tuesday - one week since the removers left me with a pile of boxes
I still have boxes unopened; but the majority are done
I have a kind of surreal feeling, like:
how can it only be a week?
and where do I start?
and how will I get to know everything/ everyone/ everywhere?

Then I give myself a little shake and remember that the job gets done whether or not I know it all; and you don't get to know it or do it until you know it and do it...

Think about it: life goes on; we learn through experience; we discover through encounter; we grow through relating to others.

If I wasn't feeling a little surreal it would be more of a problem.

I have introduced my blogging to my Mum; she has known me for a long long time - all my life; and yet she discovered things about me she did not know! That's a little surreal too!

We insist on counting out our lives: the days and weeks; the months and years; even the minutes and hours. And sometimes yes, we need appointment times, we need to coordinate meeting up and doing things together.

But sometimes we just need to take off the watch; turn round the clock; and live life without worrying about the time of day.
Is it light? Get up
Are you thirsty? have a drink
Are you hungry? eat something
Are you lonely? speak to someone

Life, time, faith
live, love, grow

We do not know the number of our days
We cannot
and it is good to be so
For knowing the future would prevent us from valuing the present
Look forward in faith
All time is in God's hand
Walk humbly with Him
and trust his future plan....

and do not worry - it doesn't make anything change!

the box man cometh....

My life is currently taken over by boxes
boxes of things to keep
boxes of things to give away
boxes of things to throw away

in amongst it all I have found things I forgot I had
things which filled me with memories - both good and bad
and things which I looked at and thought - "What on earth possessed you?!!!"

I was minded of a poem I wrote a couple of years ago when a colleague lost vast amounts of possessions after being flooded out...


The things of life
It’s only things you know
The detritus accumulated through years of scavenging
Decades of possessions for sure
But paper and cloth are transient anyway

It’s only the things we hold on to
The things we do not need
And yet the things we cannot discard
Until some circumstance forces our hand

They are only bits and pieces
Symbols of a lifetime
But not the Life
Triggers for memory
But not the Memories

Things do not make the home
Walls and ceilings and doors and carpets
Do not make the home
People
Our people
These make the home
The place

My heart is home
My home is love
To love and to be loved
Wherever my heart is
That is home
With or without the things of life

meantime - my life is beng packed into boxes; and the box man will come tomorrow and take them all away to my new place - the place that will become home - my new home...

Slave to the machines....

Yesterday I spent a fabulous day with my nieces as we chose dresses for them to wear when they are my bridesmaids later this year - it was fun!!
However, this morning as I was driving them back to the airport to fly home I began to reflect on one or two things we did:

In the shop, we all took out our phones to take pictures of the different dresses
In the coffee shop where we retired to discuss our options for colours we used the phones to search the web for shoes
Once home again, we logged on in order to browse through several shop we knew, and to seek the sources we didn't - again seeking shoe options, and hair styles, hair accessories - it was, as it was intended to be a truly girly shopping fest - but from the comfort of home
This morning after breakfast we again logged on, so that we could check them in to their flights

And that is why I pondered as I drove them to the airport
It would not have been impossible to manage without the technology; but it did widen the scope for us
Every day the first thing I do after brewing coffee is turn on the computer, check my mail and log in to facebook to see what is going on in the world; if for some reason I am unable to do this I feel that there is something missing

Have I become a slave to the machines designed to make my life easier?
Has my dependance on instant electronic communication actually stopped me from engaging in real time, real life, real encouters?

I know that the world will not stop if I do not reply immediately; or if I do not know what is happening.
I suspect that if I spent more time away from my desk - the world would actually carry on regardless!

"Provide purse for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will nto be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moths destroy. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be"

My heart may need to spend less time at the desktop!

the things which motivate us

Yesterday, whilst sitting on a train or two for around five hours, I read a book that has been sitting, waiting to be tackled for several months - "The Reluctant Fundamentalist"
It has left me with some questions... regarding the things that motivate us, and indeed the things which provoke a response or supress our inclinations.
The book itself I disliked intently - the style was heavy and overly wordy (in my opinion!) I wasn't sure at the end what had happened nor indeed who the mysterious stranger was; it left me dissatisfied and uncomfortable.
The main character, Changez, had grown up, he had experienced unrequited love, he had had to face the contrast between the decadent West and the crumbling of his own Eastern world. And none of these are light subjects, unworthy of observation. If as a result of his experiences he had become a "terrorist" it would have been understandable in the context of the story - but he asserted that he had not; that his aim was to stop America's march over the world by means of education.
But to my mind, he never did answer his own questions; and all was so vague, so insubstantial that I was just irritated at the end.

So, now I try to find some parallels in MY world, that will inform my own reaction.
We observe the world; we witness various things that make us react - whether we acknowledge it or not.

Last night watching the news I observed the wife of a certain politician who has just begun a jail term say that he was in prison beacuse he had stood up for justice! Yet, he was sent to prison for perjury - the politics of the trial, the verdict, the whole ludicrous circus has done a disservice to real justice and has increasingly irked.

I observe the political party I have supported my entire adult life compromising and loosing its heart, all because of the lure of leadership - and instead of sticking to its values, it has sold out - no, it is not worth it!

I witness people in my parish, in my congregations, facing an uncertain future, their jobs are disappearing, and the future looks bleak. The recession is hard to bear for everyone.

I am saying goodbye; I am winding things up; I am preparing to move on, and to start over. So the "navel-gazing" is fairly deep just now! Maybe, it is just bad timing? Maybe if I had read this book at a different time it would have engendered a different reaction?

But, and for me this is the point: life is not predictable, and we all experience good and bad; positive and negative; to quote the Teacher "There is nothing new under the sun" it is not the experience that matters so much as what we do with it. We can allow the injustices of the world to knock us down and leave us flattened, or fire us up seeking vengeance; or we can remember that the Teacher observed all of the vagaries of the world and reached this conclusion:
"Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God, and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgement,
including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil"
(Ecclesiastes 12:13-14)

It is not for us to take revenge, or retaliation into our own hands; we follow God, we answer his call, we serve Him, and only Him. Revering God is our foundation it is the root of wisdom and our fulfillment.