Wednesday, 28 April 2010

wandering and wondering

today is another busy day
today is also a new day
a new adventure
and a new journey
I am going visiting... seeking.... searching.... reflecting... discerning
there will be much talk, and much prayer for today
where will it lead?
good question!
time to remember who is in charge
let go.... let God

Friday, 23 April 2010

seeking that je ne sais quoi....

So many folks seem to be blogging nowadays... and I used to do it some years ago; so in thinking I'd get going again I discover that my old one still lives! Nothing left on it - and last active in January 2006... oh how much has changed since then!
Here am I, a country girl at heart, living in a small city now for almost 5 years - who'd have thought it?
I get to wondering: what is it that drives us? Moves us forward? Pushes us to changing and making new things happen?
Last Saturday - 17th April was a strange, strange day. It was (technically) my 28th wedding anniversary. But since it was also the first anniversary of the decision to dissolve that union I'm not sure if it really was - or was it?
Yesterday I visited my dentist - a fairly uneventful appointment apart from one, earth shatteringly gut wrenching moment. My dear dentist - I married him a couple of years ago - on the same weekend as the said anniversary... so he, innocently making small talk whilst his hands were in my mouth asked: "Did you have a nice anniversary?" mercifully, my strangled "Arrgghhh!!!" did not include my clamping down with my molars on his poor hands!!I'm not sure who was more shocked; and I'm not sure how we proceeded, my nervous giggling became slightly hysterical, and he promised no more small talk... my teeth are nice and shiny now
Back to the topic in hand - how to decide or accept that something needs to change. Although I had known for some considerable time - running into years - that I was unhappy in my married state, it would never have occurred to me that I would change things; I believed in marriage, in fact I still believe in marriage; and I thought that I would simply carry on, muddling through, finding happiness where I could, and that to change things would simply be impossible.
Even now - some 16 months since I admitted my unhappiness, and we were forced to consider what the future would be, I do not know exactly what the trigger was... but, the change happened, and it is now a year on.
Now I seek newness; renewal; hope; now I seek that changed something - intangible still at present, which will move me onward again... to what I don't know.

But the journey is a blast!!