Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Just ruminating this morning on how strange life can be - and thanking God that we do not know the future
When I look back, a few weeks, months... then a couple of years, five, ten and twenty I ponder the girl I knew then and am stunned
If anyone had told her the things she'd do; the places she'd go; and the paths her life would take - she'd have laughed with incredulity; or been appalled; or terrified!
Waiting, waiting, for answers, for movement, for resolution, for something to happen
and in the waiting... lies a modicum of frustration
Needing targets and a sense of urgency to be truly productive means that when there is nothing specific in the immediate future I become very unfocussed
This in itself is not a new revelation, I have long known it about myself; what is new however, is the sense of dissatisfaction I have; instead of happily filling my hours with trivia I find I am drifting from one thing to another, never actually finishing things.
So today I ponder dreams and visions - trying to grasp the elusive vision that was once so clear; trying to get a stronger awareness of the things I dreamed and dream of for the future
I do not seek knowledge, or specifics, simply to regain the sense of walking a path that God has chosen and being led by Him towards my future - whatever that is...
and I pray that I may never fall into the trap of self-righteousness but wait patiently for the way to be lit before me
Monday, 11 October 2010
Back home to the seaside; though I'm not sure if this is home, home....
It is one home.
I am beginning to feel I should move back to the manse and stop hiding out here - lovely though it is!
The road trip was good.
I loved the new secret village.
I could see myself there - becoming part of that community.
I want to be excited and enthusiastic - but am terrified of being let down again.
Yesterday was a revelation - terrifying to be back in a pulpit - especially one so grand, high and magnificent
But also wonderful and right
To be leading worship once more; to be back doing that to which I am called was wonderful
I felt it went well; and I felt that people were responding to me... but it is not really for me to judge.
I was myself (all the liturgical stuff aside!)
I did what I did, and I gave of my best
I hope an pray that it reached out and gave them something to think about and reflect on
Now I must wait
And move on forwards
Life is good
God is great
I am blessed
Gratitude is Important... in all things, in all experiences - find things to be thankful for, every day, every moment
Give Him the thanks
Monday, 4 October 2010
Count your blessings one by one....
this is the week
travelling; visiting; chatting; discerning; seeking guidance and preaching!
Over the past couple of days the sense of change within me has begun to grow and ripen
I feel the time has come to stop hiding away
It is now time to face my fears and to reclaim who I am
Time to take that step - the one I have spoken of and thought about so many times in recent weeks
Preparing for this weekend; and also accepting an invite to do a little supply
all will help me to be ready for the return to life in the goldfish bowl
It is time to see and be seen
time to reclaim my life as it was before all the nonsense sent me into a spin
Suddenly I am ready - ready to be the minister again
ready to be back in my old place - however long that is for.
Timing for the next step is not in my hands
There is only so much I can do; for the rest I hand it over
I trust that God's plan is greater than mine; His vision perfect
So too His timing - all will fall into place and fit
and when we look back on this time we will see the beauty of the pattern He has created.
I am blessed - why?
Because although things did not work out how I had imagined they would, I have been given grace in abundance; I have been able to take time out and away and truly reflect on God's will for me and the people I care about; and I have had the luxury of time out to visit and to meet and to discern without the complications of my work responsibilities
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. to him belongs eternal praise." Ps 111.10