Wednesday, 17 January 2018

January dreaming

We are two weeks into a New Year
And I feel like I've been in a dream for the past three weeks.
Three weeks ago, immediately after Christmas, my mum took ill.
she was alone at home.
She wasn't found until the next day
She was admitted, unconscious, to hospital.
She never regained consciousness,
and the following day, at around 4.00 am
She passed from this life into glory
Leaving behind her frailty; her brokenness; her sadness and despair.

She was 83 years old, and she had been widowed for two years 6 months and 24 days
For most of those days she had longed to join her beloved husband, my dad.

There was no warning; she'd spent a happy day at my sister's, but she never liked to be away from her house for long; and was taken home, at her request.

And ever since, in those three weeks, I have been in a dream.
I didn't know my last inane conversation about Christmas, and family, and grandchildren and hopes for the new year to come, and her loneliness and our frustrations, was to be the last conversation.

I can hardly remember it.
We said nothing of any importance.

The day after she died, I went on holiday. It was arranged, it was paid for, we needed the break. And it would serve no purpose cancelling the holiday - so with my sister and brother's encouragement - we went. It was warm, and we rested, and we renewed our flagging spirits. 
And every day I spoke with my sister over WhatsApp and messenger. We planned and arranged everything long distance.

And every day I was numb.
I thought that once I was home, and then travelled south, and went to her house it would hit me; sink in; as I wrote her eulogy I kept waiting for it to affect me.
As I greeted family members; listened to her priest; witnessed her burial - I waited. Surely I would begin to feel?

But I haven't.
I am still numb.
My brain is clouded.
My thoughts unclear.
I am immensely sad. But this grief is so different to any other I have felt.

I am going through the motions. 
Sleepwalking through
Functioning. Not functioning.

Present / not present.

So here I am.
My mum died three weeks ago
And I miss her.
And I miss me.