Self Care in the Year of Covid

 Many of you who read my reflections, or listen in when I share thoughts know that I have Long Covid.

For the uninitiated this the the long-lasting after effect of the virus. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome; post viral fatigue - call it what you like, Long Covid is utterly debilitating. For the past several months I have been trying to manage my time more carefully; working out what the triggers are, trying to predict when a wave of exhaustion will hit, finding ways to protect myself and conserve what energy Have.

For short amounts of time I can act like a "normal" person; I can deliver a sermon, smile and chatter, maintain conversations, go about like life is normal. But I have discovered that the payback comes in a wave of overwhelming fatigue that will wash over me, threatening to drown me. As a result I may go to bed; or I may just sit, and basically do nothing. Not a thing. At its worst I struggle to climb the stairs to even get to my bed. 

Dogs exercising selfcare...

Last week, in a checking in appointment my doctor extended the "Reduced Hours Note" to the end of the year. The End of the Year. He suggested it will be at least this long before I really get well - but, and here's the rub, he also admitted they have no clue. They are going on similar post viral illnesses, and for now simply collecting data from each person who is displaying these symptoms to work out exactly what Long Covid really does. 

This morning I am beyond tired; yesterday we were in person for worship; it was great to see a few folks; the phones didn't record so well, so I did not have anything I could cut together to share more widely; I thought I might do a wee live reflection later - but an hour or so in bed, and preparing dinner was actually all I did yesterday afternoon. Today I am still tired. So I have decided it is time to exercise some self-care.

I am supposed to be reducing my hours, so I am going to do that - intentionally now, not just piecemeal. I will block out days, and on a "work" day, be very strict about not more than two things - two is my absolute limit, when I go over I have discovered I lose another day in recovery. People are kind, and ask how I'm doing, am I getting better? My answer varies, some days I feel well, other days dreadful. truthfully, I don't know if I am improving, I am just keeping moving, looking after myself, trying to guard my time. 

The bonus is time for quiet reflection; time to talk with God; time to pause and simply be. I have discovered God is never far, I am aware of the Holy in everyday things, I am aware of God's presence, alongside me... waiting for me to regroup, no pressure, just love and presence. for me, for my time, this is my self care, God with me. 

Early in the Morning

 It is early on a Saturday morning in October.

Last night I attending the General Assembly, which is running later than usual, over two days instead of seven, and online rather than in-person.

Except I got to be there in person! 

As a committee convener in fact, I was expected to be there in person. It was eery; the Assembly Hall is usually packed with around 800 bodies; seats are at a premium; to get your preferred space you need to arrive early.  Yet, last night, I arrived early in order to be briefed on how to use the building. Seats were allocated; There were 21 people in the hall, including the behind the scenes tech team. 

The final online briefing was introduced, live, from the hall about an hour before proceedings began, and immediately I realised I hadn't't muted my phones because they started pining as friends sent "I see you!" messages! Thank goodness it was just the final instructions!

I have blogged about General Assembly a number of times over the years, and I love it. I love the ceremony; the opportunities to catch up with friends I haven't seen for a while; I love the worship; and, strange to say, I love the business - the reports and the discussion about policy going forward. 

Last night was very different. In the hall, I felt detached. Because of the way things were set, I was unable to see who was online; though the technology allowed for pep to be "brought forward" to speak. It was fascinating. It was a very long evening. Scheduled to run from 7 - 9 pm, it soon became clear that it would take longer. Every point that would normally have gone through on a stamping of feet, had to be voted on.  And voting took a few minutes each time. I was scheduled to speak last, no escaping for me! 

It was a long night.

But it was also a privilege to be there, to reflect on our church; to witness our church getting to grips not just with the technology, but also with the need for the church to adapt to today, to be fit for life in the times of Covid, to respond to the needs of the people of God today. 

I will not be there today, either online, or in-person. I have given my report, and I will not be needed today. I may not be there. But I will be praying. For the church. For those reporting. For those who see the need for change, and for those who will challenge that change. 

It is early on an October morning.

The church is gathering, and the church is reflecting, the church is responding to the needs of all God's People, for today, and for the future. I pray that God will guide and bless every person for today and for our future.